Ever since high school, I was the planner in my friend groupâthe one making the reservations, organizing the birthday dinners, and sending the âSoâŚwhen are we free?â texts. And, honestly? I still am. With the same group of friends. Two decades later.
I like to think that my efforts are a big reason why weâve all stayed close. But now that Iâm in my late 30s (waitâdoes 35 going on 36 count as late? Please still be mid đŤ ), Iâve definitely noticed the enthusiasm for planning has faded. Life is justâŚa lot. People have kids, demanding jobs, and a lot less energy than our â9 p.m. is earlyâ days. Our priorities have shifted. Weâve traded long party nights for daytime buzzes at brunch.
Iâve also noticed that my needs in friendships have changed. Iâve swapped FOMO for JOMO and no longer feel the pressure to keep everyone happy. Instead, I focus on friendships that feel mutualâones that donât drain me or feel one-sided. (A mindset shift that took way too long to embrace, btw.)
So, how do you actually maintain friendships as an adultâwithout it feeling like another to-do list item?
1ď¸âŁ Make It Easy to Stay in Touch
Not every friendship requires hours-long catch-ups. A quick meme or even a âthinking of youâ text keeps the connection alive. Lately, Iâve been loving voice notesâyou get the full context of someoneâs mood and can listen on your own time.
2ď¸âŁ Be the Initiator (But Donât Keep Score)
Some people just arenât planners, and thatâs okay. If you value the friendship, reach out first. But if youâre always the one making the effort with little in return, it might be time to re-evaluate. Iâve run into this a lotâsometimes, a simple convo can help. Your friends should know your needs too, not just your family or significant other.
3ď¸âŁ Schedule âLazyâ Friend Dates
Not every hangout needs to be a big event. Running errands together, FaceTiming a show, or even virtual co-working still counts as quality time. My go-to? Weekly horror movie nights with my two best friends and husbandâsnacks, terrible horror films, zero pressure.
When I visited a friend in Cleveland who just had a baby, she was exhausted and barely had time to herself. Instead of a sit-down catch-up, I joined her Costco run. We shopped, we chatted, and honestly? We had a great time.
4ď¸âŁ Create Low-Lift Traditions
Standing plansâlike a monthly dinner, quarterly trip, or Sunday coffee walksâtake the guesswork out of scheduling and keep friendships running on autopilot. Last year, my friends and I made a âgroupâ New Yearâs resolution: each month, someone would host dinner or plan an activity. We didnât hit every month, but we got close. It set the expectation that we wouldnât go months without seeing each otherâand made it a fun challenge to keep up.
Outside of my close friend circle, I also have three monthly virtual catch-ups with people Iâve networked with over the past year. I treat them like any other meetingâadding a recurring slot to my calendar and only canceling if I really have to (not just because I donât feel like it). Youâd be surprised how much this small habit keeps connections alive.
5ď¸âŁ Accept That Some Friendships Will FadeâAnd Thatâs Okay
One of my toughest friendship breakups was with my best friend from high schoolâthe one who basically lived at my house, was close with my family, and my go-to for sweatpants-and-reality-TV nights. Then, in 2018, she left the country without warning and cut off all contact. No explanation, no goodbye. I wrestled with it for a long time, even bringing it up to my therapist.
Her advice? You canât control other peopleâs choicesâonly how you respond. The best thing I could do was let go and focus on the friendships that were still showing up. Not all friendships are meant to last forever, and thatâs okay. Some will naturally fade, others you may need to actively let go of. The key is knowing when to hold onâand when to move on.
At the end of the day, maintaining friendships isnât about effort, itâs about alignment. Prioritize the people who make your life betterânot busier.

Joanna (TA Co-Founder)