There’s one significant, yet unspoken, roadblock people face when it comes to setting boundaries – inadvertent self-violation.
I define boundaries as parameters that you set around your time, energy, and personhood in order to create a safe container for the relationship. Boundaries are also less about confrontation and more about how you decide to show up for yourself every single day.
Every interaction with another person is an opportunity to train them on how you want to be treated. It’s their job to test the boundary, and the boundary isn’t established until it’s been held. Unfortunately, many people are good at voicing the boundary, but terrible at holding it. This can lead to a host of problems.
When you violate your own boundary, you communicate that your boundary isn’t, in fact, your boundary. This confusion leads to resentment for you and others. Others don’t know where the line is, and you feel like you’re constantly being pushed around.
Why do you violate your own boundaries? Generally, it’s for one of three reasons:
- You want to avoid conflict. You don’t want to upset others or make them feel uncomfortable.
- You want to please others. You want to make sure that everyone is happy, even at the expense of your own needs.
- You don’t want to experience the discomfort of holding the boundary. It’s much easier to give in and let others have their way than to stand up for yourself.
Setting external boundaries starts with doing internal work. Get clear on why you’re dismissing your boundaries, then solve for it. You’ll need to have grace for yourself when you miss the mark, and you’ll need to look inward for your worth. You are valuable, regardless of what others think or say about you. Realize that it’s not your job to make everyone happy all of the time. (No, really, I promise it’s not.)
Finally, make the decision to let your boundaries stand on their own. You don’t need to explain or justify them to anyone else. Your boundaries are your boundaries. Stop negotiating and simply let them “be”. When you consistently hold your boundaries, others will start to respect them. They’ll know where the line is. This results in safety and predictability for you and others.
To learn more about Annie, please visit her website: WholeAssistant.com or connect with her on LinkedIn.